Here are my Rules of Pizza Etiquette “to keep the integrity of the pizza,” as invented by Mal and me. I wrote this list originally as a note on my phone. When I tried to bring my phone back to iOS 9 (as opposed to 10), it deleted all of my notes, so I thought I lost this one until I found a screenshot I had saved about a year ago. When I finally found it, I decided it was finally time to share these rules with the world!
Rules of Pizza Etiquette and the Pizza Treaty of 2015
- You must eat your pizza right-side up at all times (that is, with the toppings facing up).
- You must eat your pizza starting from the tip.
- You must not tear, cut, or otherwise mangle your pizza (biting it doesn’t count because biting is what pizzas are made for).
- You must not dip your pizza in any substance of any kind.
- You must not fold your pizza or attempt to make it smaller in any way.
- You must NEVER EVER EVER joke about the pizza or make fun of it, or insult or degrade it in any way.
- You must never stop eating mid-slice. You must finish the whole slice before putting it down.
- You may not share a slice of pizza. You must eat the whole slice yourself. (The crust doesn’t count. If you want to give your crust to your friend, that is allowable as long as all other pizza rules are followed.) Exceptions may be made for extra-large pizza slices.
- You must enjoy EVERY bite of your pizza.
- You must never complain about the pizza.
- You must never discuss the pizza at any time other than while you are eating it. To keep the integrity of the pizza, you must not disclose any information pertaining to the pizza to anyone besides fellow pizza-eaters.
- You must not fling your pizza at anyone or pretend to fling your pizza at anyone.
- You must treat the pizza as an equal and hold it to the highest standard.
- When you burp while eating pizza, you must not say “excuse me” or any variation of those words, or you will offend the pizza, which breaks rule #6.
- You must never eat pizza without garlic fingers or garlic bread.
This list is, of course, just for fun, and a joke we made about the way my parents were eating their pizza (for example, eating it with a fork and knife and dipping it in sauce). Is there anything you would add to or remove from this list? How do you like to eat your pizza? Let me know in the comments! :)